Storytime
Colin & the Cup by Katie Dodd My mam's got a cousin. His name is Colin. Colin’s father was a very intelligent man, he designed boats and submarines for the Royal Navy. I always felt anxious in his presence because he was very softly spoken and never swore. Something I was not used to growing up. I can’t remember much about Colin’s mother. Apparently she was a right cunt and then she died and that’s all that has ever really been mentioned about her. Colin’s got a brother, he once got done for fucking a sheep and imprisoned for it. Colin’s brother fucking a sheep always seemed ironic to me as he was English. I was born in Wales to a Welsh father (I believe). I moved to England as a teenager and as you might imagine I got called sheep shagger EVERY FUCKING DAY. I lost my temper in class one time and told the bullies to shut up because the only person I have EVER known to fuck a sheep was English and he was my mam's cousin. As you can imagine it was counter-productive and only exacerbated the abuse. Colin’s brother had a terrible glue habit so I was told. I’m not sure what came first though. Maybe he did glue to block out the fact he wanted to have sex with animals OR he did some glue once and that made him want to seduce livestock? Who knows? I do however think the glue sniffing was added to his back catalogue to make the family feel like there might have been a reasonable explanation as to why he might have wanted to bum an animal. We’ve learnt to forget his name in our family. He was nearly forgotten once before as a child. Again, it was an animal related incident. He stole a magician’s doves. It was in the newspapers ‘Who Made the Magician’s Doves Disappear?’ He was about fifteen at the time apparently. I asked my mam what he did with the doves once he stole them and she said she couldn’t remember. I like to imagine that once he had the magician’s doves he made them disappear up his rectum, all magical like. When the glue huffing sheep botherer was released, he went on to stab a Chinese man in the eye while he was visiting his local brothel. Think he’s still in prison now. There is no redemption for some. Colin on the other hand... Colin was known as the family simpleton and was tolerated at best. Colin was born with all his intestines on the outside of his body, “he’s lucky to be alive!” my great Nan would croak, “a medical marvel, an anomaly!” Strange really, because when you get that much of a build-up you expect someone exceptional. Colin was anything but. Colin had a dickhead wife and two alright children about the same age as me. I didn’t like them as children, I used to sulk when they came round because they would touch my stuff. Colin was alright enough though, I liked him the best. Colin came to visit my parents once. My mam was having a cup of tea; Colin looked at my Mam and said “That cup's fucked! Look, the handle is upside down……” I just stared at the cup. I gave in, I was the first to open the box and get him out. I said “Fucking hell you’re right Colin, it’s upside down! Mental………” No going back now, Colin had been released from the retard box. Two years my mam had that mug and she had never once noticed. I myself had noticed a slight problem with the design but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it (even though my finger was quite literally on it). My index finger had always burnt whenever I held it for a prolonged amount of time. Obviously looking back it was because the top half of the handle was very tiny and narrow and closer to the heat; my fingers touched the ceramic and it hurt like fuck. I had bought my mam that cup from a quid shop. I had decided in the infinite wisdom that only a teenager is blessed with, that it was a suitable Christmas present for the woman who had given birth to me (nothing to do with it being a quid). My mam had received it graciously, from what I can remember. On reflection she must have found it just as irritating, but a bond between a mother and daughter is binding. You can’t just say it's shit and throw it in the bin, it goes against the laws of the universe. Maybe I used this law to my advantage when I got her the piece of shit cup to begin with. Even if it is shit and it’s giving you blisters, you must burn your hand daily. It’s a mother’s duty. Colin's job however was just to hang around and be humoured, like a modern day Lenny. Imagine Lenny living, breathing and squeezing the ultimate truth out of a faulty tea cup. That’s Colin. He looked at the cup and realised it was bullshit and said “That cup is fucked”. My mam threw the mug away shortly after. Just goes to show how quick people listen to a simpleton if it suits them and it benefits their trigger finger. I’m not quite sure what the moral of my story is. Maybe it’s not to buy your mam a Christmas present from a quid shop. Maybe it’s always listen to a Colin if you know one, he’s probably smarter than you. Or it just might be to avoid huffing glue as it might lead to bestiality.
